In recent years there’s been a rise in the struggle of self-understanding and forward progress within the younger community between the ages of 20 and 30 roughly. Many people are unsure of what the next steps in life are. They beat themselves up over what they have not achieved, yet don’t even know what they want to achieve. When someone is so bogged down in their own self-loathing, how can they possibly think about improvement and forward progress? Instead, they hate themselves and wither away. To begin the journey of self-improvement, one must accept themselves. Before someone can love others, find where they want to be, and make progress, they must understand where they stand now and why it is acceptable.
Detriment of Comparisons
To many people, the worst setback is the constant comparison to others of the fixed mindset, as found in Dr. Carol Dweck’s novel Mindset. People with fixed mindsets look at others in their field, their age, or just people they associate with and think, “So-and-so has this and that. They can already do this thing. I wish I could do that.” Following this, people will mentally and even verbally berate themselves, claiming that they have failed and are worthless. Maybe they will feel bad for themselves and seek pity because they cannot achieve what someone else has. However, that is exactly what you SHOULDN’T do because those who focus on the result neglect the process. Those who have accepted themselves understand the people around them have been working for a long time to get what they have. To improve, you must recognize these comparisons and result-oriented thoughts and slowly working to correct them.
Self Comparisons
Now, by all means, find a goal, a person, or an ideal to strive for. You can’t hit a target you can’t see. However, once you establish the ideal, it should only be used as a reference point, or a perspective update to know if you are still heading the correct direction. It is also essential to know who you should actually be comparing yourself to. The ideal is something to achieve eventually, but your neighbor, your friend, and your coworker are all going to be at different levels of ability from you. The most critical person to compare yourself to is yourself from yesterday. Look and see who you were yesterday, and determine whether or not you are incrementally better. Like you would look at a sapling and say, “Oh, it’s grown almost two inches overnight!” You don’t compare it to the one you planted three weeks ago because that is silly. You should look to yourself as the measurement of progress.
Now, we are all imperfect and lacking, no matter how far we’ve made it. With that in mind, just because we are comparing and looking at ourselves is not an excuse to attack and beat ourselves down. Everyone is lacking in something. If they are doing better than they were yesterday, then that’s good. 1% every day over a year means 365% better than you were at the start of the year. When looking at a sapling, it is apparent that the sapling you planted two weeks ago has grown. That’s a great thing. You’d never look at the plant and berate it for not being as good as the hundred-year-old oak ten yards away. That is because the sapling has only just begun the process of growing, and it is precisely where it should be in life to become something great.
Accept Yourself
That is how we should treat ourselves. The journey has only just begun. We must understand that we can only compare to who we were yesterday, and remember we are precisely where we need to be to continue towards the ideal. Of course, that means accepting that we are not great. Yet. You can achieve greatness, but it is all about the process of getting there. So-and-so’s neighbor might be there, but they worked hard to get there. Reaching the goal is what you want, but never forget to praise yourself for the effort, and recognize the small or large changes you make over time. If you’re going to achieve all of this, you’ll need to know where you fall short. Once you have realized and truly internalized these ideas, you can begin your road to self-improvement.
Acceptance is the first step, and it is a long, continual process that repeats itself. There is always something new to accept. So long as you do not remain blind or deny the truths, you can continue to make forward progress. Acceptance does not mean you cannot be critical or compare yourself at all. It is understanding that maybe you don’t measure up just yet, and that’s all right. Hesitation and self-criticism will only hinder your progress, and acceptance is the foundation for eliminating that.
Images by Haley Agra. Support her on Instagram: haleiagra
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